ewwwww, post partum ick!

okey dokey - i haven't posted anything in about 3 weeks - partially because andrew was out of town at ft knox for 2 weeks, partially because babymuffin eschews daytime sleeping and partially because i am stalling! the next part of this blog is going to be about post partum depression. it is still VERY recent and VERY raw and i'm honestly still afraid of it. afraid that the 15% percent or so of the ppd that seems to be clinging to me, fading, then reappearing, will never ever leave if i raise the spectre of the entire experience by writing about it. like it might GET me. but i know that i am already, consciously or not, blocking some of the worst emotions from those days. maybe maybe MAYBE if i do get this all down, it will be cathartic and will also purge this shit. my reasons for wanting to get this all written anyway are: a) if sc or any of our 5 nieces ever go through anything similar, maybe this will help and b) if it helps ANYone else experiencing ppd, then it's worth it.
sooooo. here goes.
back in the hospital -- i'm not sure which day this was, but one of the worst experiences in the hospital was one early early morning, maybe 5am? and it was apparently time for me to get all unplugged from the catheter, and have those compression cuffs removed, and have me get out of the hospital bed for the first time since the delivery. as i said, i had been sweating profusely for days, purging some of the extra fluids i retained during pregnancy, and that was exacerbated by the compression cuffs, which was good, but made me so freaking HOT. i didn't realize that i had the room at 55 degrees. so the nurse came in, and i had soaked through the gown and all my sheets and blankets with sweat, and some blood and other "leakage." you're welcome.
now, i'm pretty modest about being naked, for many reasons, but especially in front of strangers, standing up hunched over, with hair matted from sweat, under fluorescent lights, post-baby-delivery-shape plus bloating. the nurse helped me out of the bed and then had to go get me a new gown and sheets, so i stood there, as described just above, with my poor husband looking on, and i was SURE he was just absolutely disgusted with what he saw. i even imagined he was wishing he hadn't chosen me to have kids with because i looked so horrible right then. i was already in the first stage of the ppd, and the skewed thinking had started, but i didn't recognize it. i sat slowly in the piece of crap chair next to the bed, and then all that heat i'd been absorbing just disappeared. i swear, i felt colder than i'd ever been in my life, and i was naked and shivering violently. usually cold is good, because my ta-tas look better, but being hunched wasn't doing the girls any favors. then andrew did the sweetest thing ever, and came over around the bed, leaned over and around me, not so much to give me a HUG as to be a human blanket. he stayed there for several minutes, trying his best to warm me up while we waited for the nurse. over the next few weeks/months, andrew would do this for me, figuratively, emotionally, over and over. 
several weeks later, i related this story to andrew. keeping andrew's emotions private, i will just say that he was HORRIFIED at my estimation of how he had been feeling when he saw me so naked and vulnerable. he said that he was looking at me with love and admiration, amazed at how strong i was, going through all of this for our little family. thank God we talked about it, or that could've still been a thorn in my psyche even now. and yes. i did marry the most perfect man in the world. for me.




that's my quick post - feeding babygirl with one hand and typing with the other!
will post again soon! for my 3 awesome readers, woooooooooo!! :) y'all rock!

my first swaddling attempt.