post partum depression 1

okely dokely - when i was going through my post partum depression, or ppd, i tried to research it online. i found many web sites' clinical descriptions of ppd, but i wanted to know what to DO about it. my little sara catherine is only 16.5 weeks old, so all of this is still recent, and i want to make sure i record what i can about it while i still remember it. my point is not to whine and complain, though i am a certified expert in that, but if someone in the future is trying to find an online resource for help with ppd, maybe i can at least offer my experiences and a ray of hope. i'm going to go through the pregnancy and then into the ppd, partially for sc to know about the pregnancy, and also for some details that later contributed to my ppd.

stay classy.

so, realizing i need to go back at some point to fill in the Andrew & Me story (for sara catherine) from my first post about my seeing him on facebook for the first time and then all the way up to our wedding, i will start with our pregnancy. andrew and i got married in a beautiful small ceremony june 4, 2011, surrounded by friends and family. here's a picture: sc is definitely not a wedding night baby, since i passed out post haste as soon as we got back to the hotel room, and andrew's good friends mike and jason hung out with him in the living room. anyway, andrew was set to leave for almost 5 months of JAG training (meaning he's a military attorney along with his civilian job as a public defender. BECAUSE HE'S AWESOME.). so, we prepared ourselves for his being gone, leaving july 3rd, less than a month after we got married. we had talked about having kids, but neither one of us was all, YES LET'S DO IT, because our sisters have children, and we see how hard it is to raise children RIGHT. so that they don't become terrorists when they grow up. when we got married, i was 38 and he was 40, and not only does that mean we are OLD and have less energy than young parents, the chances of birth defects triple after age 35. i also think neither of us wanted to be the one whose idea it was to have a kid, in case it really ended up sucking. like when you don't want to pick the movie or it's your fault if it was shit. for real though, i know that God put andrew and me together, and i thought that a little baby, made from the love God allowed us to have for each other, was an appropriate thank you for giving us our soul mates. also, i thought that, if we got pregnant, it would be best for me to go ahead and do that before andrew left for 5 months, so that he wouldn't divorce me while i was weaning myself off of all my vices. so, without sharing all the AWESOME details (boom chicka), on july 2nd, we decided to, as andrew says, "pull the goalie." a few boring details and weeks later, on july 22, 2011...

when i texted this picture to andrew at jag school, he texted back: whose is that?

by the way, if you're pregnant, i HIGHLY recommend reading What to Expect When You're Expecting, current edition, and signing up for updates from both www.whattoexpect.com AND www.babycenter.com. also, GO AHEAD AND READ ANYTHING YOU CAN, NOW, ABOUT THE FIRST FEW MONTHS OF A BABY'S LIFE. while pregnant, i only read the chapters when i was actually in each month described, or i'd freak myself out. and i HAD the baby's first year books, but didn't read a PAGE until the baby was born. looking back, if i had armed myself with some of the background knowledge available on newborns, my ppd wouldn't have been so horrible. not preparing myself mentally and emotionally for a newborn, especially while trying to recover from the c-section, was a huge mistake. instead, stacks of books that may or may not help me while in the middle of horrible ppd despair was just another nail in my coffin of what a bad mother i must be. because after the baby was born, i was too emotionally, physically and hormonally drained to take on ONE. MORE. TASK, especially if it might take away from one second of the sleep i needed so desperately. so! look at all this crap i've typed and i haven't even started to get through the pregnancy yet to reach the ppd!
so, andrew continued along at JAG school, and the pregnancy went reasonably well. i was nauseated and freaking EXHAUSTED in the first tri-mester. i'm a sleeper. i love sleep. i love naps. i love sleep naps. but this new tiredness really kicked my ass. it was, at that time, the most tired i've ever been. i was working only 4 hours a day at that point, thank goodness, so i could come home and take naps every day. i tried to imagine being pregnant while having a full-time job, and i realize if you HAVE to do it, you'll find a way, but STILL -- i cannot imagine how most women deal with that! and if they have another kid at home already to deal with? or MORE? it seems impossible to me - those moms are heroes. brave (crazy! >;) sike) heroes. and....CLIFFHANGER!!! sara catherine is awake and giving me the stink-eye from the swing. so i will continue rambling and blah-blah-blah-ing when she's asleep! thanks for reading! :)