bloggie blog and the funky bunch!

before i continue on about those first weeks, i wanted to put down some things i've been thinking about, and then i'll get back to the ick, yay! :)



i often think about those first several weeks, and while it was seriously hell while i was IN it, i thank God often for the blessings that arose from it. i know that i would've appreciated the wonderful darlingness and sweetness that IS my sara catherine, my appreciation now is in a total other dimension, in no small part because of the ppd. there was so much that i was in constant despair about in those weeks, so i take every single second of a) not feeling that way anymore and b) everything sc does that is NOT like those days, as a total blessing. that i've now made it through months of caring for sc as a stay at home mom, without crying, is a miracle compared to the beginning. when sc cries now, i generally know what's wrong or i can at least soothe her and make her smile and distract her out of her worries. i look so forward to going into her room and looking into her crib every morning when she wakes up, and she looks up at me with this smile that looks like it might BURST off her face because she's so excited to see me! and the pats her own little tummy and SMACKS her lil legs up and down on the mattress in her happiness! what greeting in the entire WORLD is better than that??
oh my gosh, and the sleeping?? i've come to realize that i need unreasonable amounts of sleep to feel normal, and i know now that a huge chunk of the reason the ppd lasted as long as it did was that i wasn't getting sleep. and i was 100% positive that i was never going to get sleep again, in more than 2-hour increments, for the next 18 years. the spectre of that huge void of rest weighed very heavily on me. everyone said it would get better and i appreciated their comforting, but didn't believe it for an instant. and it DID. miraculously, sc started sleeping longer than 3 hours at a time, and for 10 weeks, 3 hours was the very longest stretch there was. but she did it! and eventually she even slept through the night, and has been doing so for few couple of months now. i ALWAYS appreciate sleep, but after those first weeks, plus the ppd, i thank God for any and all sleep i get, and sc is an awesome night sleeper. what a blessing! she rarely naps during the day longer than 20-30 minutes though i definitely encourage it, but i have no negative feelings about that whether i should or not. because we are already so blessed with her night sleeping.
sc will be 7 months old in 10 days - i can't believe she's already that old. she is growing like a darling lil weed and already in mostly 9months - 12months clothes. my sister sara got me a 5-year diary, where you write a line or 2 each day, and i've got all the pages since sc's birthday filled for this year. when i miss a few days, i out down what i can remember or i go find mommy/daughter quotes and write them down.

 

 

i wonder sometimes if the ppd parts of this blog will be taken as me just complaining, and i sincerely hope not. i would really rather not write about it at all. i don't want sympathy for it, and it's very painful to re-visit those times, but i believe it's my duty to record it for my daughter, in case she ever needs it. i KNOW how very blessed we are to have sara catherine. we wanted one little child, we only *tried* once (as andrew says, we "pulled the goalie") after we got married and before andrew left for JAG school for 5 months. that was only 30 days! and not only did we get pregnant, we got pregnant with SARA CATHERINE!!!  every day i look at her and cannot believe we made this little muffin, with all her little parts and preciousness. i have several friends who, for one reason or another, can't get pregnant as easily. some have, blessedly, had success with IVF or other fertility enhancement methods. my point is, i know that andrew and i are extraordinarily blessed, and i never forget that. i also have friends who have lost children. i cannot fathom this loss. i don't know how someone moves on from this without just disintegrating from the pain. every night i pray for those friends. i also thank God for our little blessing, and that He chose her for us, and us for her. i realize sc is a little angel we get to borrow here on earth for a little while, and i thank God for every second we get to have her. i pray that she gets to stay for a long, long time, for our whole lives. okey dokey - babymuffin is awake!! time to go get smileypants, yay!! :)

wheeee, first-night-home ick!

yeah, so i am again stalling writing this part of the blog because it's just a yuck yuck yuck time to talk about. but then i look at my lil baby and think that if it is even a teeny bit useful for her ever, even once, then i need to write it down. blehhh. it's also so different now. i'm not 100% out of the ppd, but usually between 90 & 95% out of it. and then i wonder if that 5 - 10% is just the new normal, meaning maybe my oversensitivity and snappiness and imagining horrible things happening to my loved ones, is just going to be around from now on. which is not good for anyone. i get on my own damn nerves and yet i can't stop it. sometimes it's just me reacting to something annoying that i would've let pass by before but now i'm too tired to ignore the nerve it hit. 

another reason it's so tough to write about the postpartum depression is that things are so much different now. thank GOD. in another post i'll go into all the wonderful support and love and prayers and positive thoughts that flooded my way from all my friends, especially through facebook. so i mean it that i thank God for the changes and improvements, because they're the result of so much prayer, by us and on our behalf.

but first, i need to record the ick. so. here we go.

sara catherine's first ride in the car, on the way home from the hospital

so, we're at the hospital from 4:30am wednesday through 3pm friday. we put the teeny now 6-lb 1 oz baby in the car seat, and it takes us about 10 minutes to figure it out, and i sit in the back with her. things were already a little twilight-zone-y at this point. i figured it was just the anesthesia or my medication dosage or delaudid, or something like that, but even the light outside felt weird. and looked weird. and i felt like i was walking through a fog. you know how sometimes it seems like your hearing in one ear just cuts off, and your perception seems skewed? ALL of my senses felt that way at once. we had been given a 10-minute "how to take care of the baby" lecture by the nurse, with enough info for about 4 full-day classes, and sent on our way. the 45 minutes home was surreal. then we were home and it all became real again, but with all my senses still skewed.

we have a 3-floor townhouse and i was planning to stay on the first floor in the living room, to heal, with the baby in the bassinet, for 6 weeks. but, GOODNESS, i didn't plan anything beyond that! i can't believe that was my whole plan, now looking back. i was going to breastfeed with no problems so i didn't need to research formula and we were going to lose SOME sleep but then everyone said, "sleep when the baby sleeps," so THAT meant, oh good, the baby will also nap at convenient times, in long enough stretches that i, also, can sleep, and she'll like the baby bjorn carrier so much that i can get any and all chores done that way!

how i prepared for mommyhood.

what happened instead was that andrew and i were SO. COMPLETELY. OVERWHELMED. neither of us had had any quality sleep in about 72 hours, and not the first real life-experience clue what to do with a newborn. oh those first few nights were some of the hardest ever. we had an air mattress in the living room for one of us to sleep on for an hour and the other would sleep next to the small bassinet (we hadn't set up the fancy gliding one yet) and wake up with the baby. i mean, we were IN THE SAME ROOM. how's anyone going to get sleep like that? and i was in so much pain. you know, they sent me home with some tylenol/percocet pills, and i tried to take just half of one while caring for the baby. they made my freaking EYES roll back in my head. i had to stop taking them altogether, and i had no idea where regular motrin was, so i just dealt with the pain. i would be lying on the couch and the baby would cry, and i would have to struggle so hard just to sit up and peer over the bassinet. i was still dealing with the lochia, and the pain of the incision, and the pain near my ovaries, but you're just not allowed to pay attention to yourself during this time. 

i remember hearing the baby at maybe 3am, and hoisting myself to the side of the couch and i reached in to feel her little hand, and it was so cold. i was just horrified with myself. i was SO. SELFISH to let myself sleep while my little baby's hands were freezing. i'd been a mother for 3 days and i had failed, i told myself on an hourly basis.

i was terrified to change sara catherine's diaper, because she was so tiny and fragile, and andrew or the nurses had changed them in the hospital, since i was recovering. whenever i tried to change her, she flailed and startled and cried. when we thought about trying to swaddle her when she screamed, i refused to attempt it - she was already upset enough and i obviously didn't have a mommy's touch even though i had been PROMISED it would just come naturally. i sat in the night with her when it was my turn on the couch, with andrew on the air mattress, and i cried while she did. nothing andrew and i tried would soothe her for very long. she cried seemingly constantly, and in my skewed perception, the poor baby was angry. angry with me for making her, for getting her all comfortable for 9 months, and then forcing her into this new cold, loud, too-bright world and she didn't even have any choice in being here. and i KNEW she thought that her new "mommy" had no business taking care of a newborn, when i couldn't even comfort and console her, and i was sure everyone else, including andrew, thought the same thing. i continually had the thought that andrew was spending every second regretting not only marrying me, but choosing me to be the mother of his child. 

so, that first night home was rough -- none of us got any real sleep, and my ppd was just gearing up to get worse in the coming weeks.

okay, enough of that for tonight. thank you for reading!! :)

RARRR!! daddy and sara catherine, with the awesome Breast Friend pillow from my awesome friend Lori!

thank GOODNESS we made a precious lil babymuffin

ewwwww, post partum ick!

okey dokey - i haven't posted anything in about 3 weeks - partially because andrew was out of town at ft knox for 2 weeks, partially because babymuffin eschews daytime sleeping and partially because i am stalling! the next part of this blog is going to be about post partum depression. it is still VERY recent and VERY raw and i'm honestly still afraid of it. afraid that the 15% percent or so of the ppd that seems to be clinging to me, fading, then reappearing, will never ever leave if i raise the spectre of the entire experience by writing about it. like it might GET me. but i know that i am already, consciously or not, blocking some of the worst emotions from those days. maybe maybe MAYBE if i do get this all down, it will be cathartic and will also purge this shit. my reasons for wanting to get this all written anyway are: a) if sc or any of our 5 nieces ever go through anything similar, maybe this will help and b) if it helps ANYone else experiencing ppd, then it's worth it.
sooooo. here goes.
back in the hospital -- i'm not sure which day this was, but one of the worst experiences in the hospital was one early early morning, maybe 5am? and it was apparently time for me to get all unplugged from the catheter, and have those compression cuffs removed, and have me get out of the hospital bed for the first time since the delivery. as i said, i had been sweating profusely for days, purging some of the extra fluids i retained during pregnancy, and that was exacerbated by the compression cuffs, which was good, but made me so freaking HOT. i didn't realize that i had the room at 55 degrees. so the nurse came in, and i had soaked through the gown and all my sheets and blankets with sweat, and some blood and other "leakage." you're welcome.
now, i'm pretty modest about being naked, for many reasons, but especially in front of strangers, standing up hunched over, with hair matted from sweat, under fluorescent lights, post-baby-delivery-shape plus bloating. the nurse helped me out of the bed and then had to go get me a new gown and sheets, so i stood there, as described just above, with my poor husband looking on, and i was SURE he was just absolutely disgusted with what he saw. i even imagined he was wishing he hadn't chosen me to have kids with because i looked so horrible right then. i was already in the first stage of the ppd, and the skewed thinking had started, but i didn't recognize it. i sat slowly in the piece of crap chair next to the bed, and then all that heat i'd been absorbing just disappeared. i swear, i felt colder than i'd ever been in my life, and i was naked and shivering violently. usually cold is good, because my ta-tas look better, but being hunched wasn't doing the girls any favors. then andrew did the sweetest thing ever, and came over around the bed, leaned over and around me, not so much to give me a HUG as to be a human blanket. he stayed there for several minutes, trying his best to warm me up while we waited for the nurse. over the next few weeks/months, andrew would do this for me, figuratively, emotionally, over and over. 
several weeks later, i related this story to andrew. keeping andrew's emotions private, i will just say that he was HORRIFIED at my estimation of how he had been feeling when he saw me so naked and vulnerable. he said that he was looking at me with love and admiration, amazed at how strong i was, going through all of this for our little family. thank God we talked about it, or that could've still been a thorn in my psyche even now. and yes. i did marry the most perfect man in the world. for me.




that's my quick post - feeding babygirl with one hand and typing with the other!
will post again soon! for my 3 awesome readers, woooooooooo!! :) y'all rock!

my first swaddling attempt.

 

 

 

 

 

fun with needles and boobies. :)

i can SENSE your disappointment. and, yes. my boobs were bigger than her head.

so, last post, the little baby sc had nursed a couple of times and did pretty well. i had a very tough time positioning her correctly, but when i did it right, she was a champ at latching on. of course, there's no way to tell how much she's getting, so we just decided to keep up with how many minutes she nursed. my awesome friend lori gave me a Brest Friend Nursing Pillow, which was a true lifesaver in the hospital. if you haven't had a c-section and were then expected to nurse, even if you PLANNED it that way, it's extremely difficult. first, you're still numb in a large portion of the incision area, but the pain is starting to kick in. so trying to sit up in the bed, which takes using your abdominal muscles, just makes you feel helpless and useless. especially when a nurse is standing there with the baby, waiting for you to wake-up from your drug-induced stupor, all but tapping her foot impatiently, while you and your husband try to figure out how to get you lifted without further injury or pain. WHICH THE NURSE SHOULD BE DOING-UH. and i didn't want to complain because wouldn't that make me sound like i was not motherly? shouldn't i be 100% gung-ho to cram my baby's head onto my boob despite being just about the most uncomfortable i've ever been in my life? anyway. during all this, i was still sweating profusely and purging tons of fluids, trying not to sweat on my poor tiny newborn, not allowed to eat, barely allowed anything to drink, in pain, super-groggy and not allowed to take my daily medication yet, which would've done wonders for my anxiety, i believe. also, a nurse came in and showed andrew how to change sc's diaper and how to swaddle her. yes, i was sitting there watching it, but since i could barely see over the bassinet, i had no idea what they were showing andrew. thinking back, i believe some of the panic started at that point. it was my first day of being a mommy, and i already felt like i was falling behind in the baby lessons because i was stuck in the hospital bed. i wonder if andrew felt any panic, realizing that he was 100% responsible for correctly learning how to do whatever the nurses were teaching him, knowing he'd have to teach ME at some point. throughout the day, the nurses continued to take my blood and check my vitals, and i wasn't going to be able to eat or take my meds until the NEXT morning at 7:00am. bleh. they had to change my sanitary pads every 2 hours or so because of the lochia, which is the lining of the uterus comin' back out in a landslide.
at some point that day (wed, march 14), andrew left to get something to eat because the hospital cafeteria closed after lunch. i had so many wonderful messages and posts on facebook, and i posted this:

 i realize I probably shouldn't delaudid and status update, but i have to say how glorious you all are for all the wonderful texts, comments, posts and emails! i have read every single one of them, and made Andrew read them to me again, and i am so overwhelmed by all of your well wishes. i will respond when i can. i'm recovering slowly but surely, and sara catherine is 100% healthy as of the peds check this morning! Hallelujah! we are having some success with the nursing, so just praying through it, and of course, Andrew has been our knight in shining armor, changing diapers and helping our lil monkeypants latch on. SC is trying to be very patient as mommy tries to learn this sh*t. :) will post more when we're home, but just, thank you all for your prayers, kind thoughts and positive energy. y'all rock the casbah. :)

and i had the baby by myself for a little while.  i felt a little helpless with this teeny stranger. i had her on my lap on the nursing pillow. she was sleeping and i think i was just STARING at her, like, what ARE you? how do i pick you up without plucking your skinny little limbs out? she was 6 lbs 10 oz (6 lb 1oz by the time we left the hospital), and felt so fragile to me. she was very twitchy and squirmy and i didn't expect that, despite her very active moving and kicking in mah belleh the last few months of my pregnancy. i was relieved when the nurse came and got the baby because i felt very little confidence in handling her without andrew there, plus i couldn't change or swaddle her.

a lot of the time in the hospital is blurry and fuzzy, and i wish i'd had the balls to tell the nurses that i was too tired to breastfeed and i needed sleep, but i didn't. i was judging myself already and finding myself lacking as a mommy for even thinking about more sleep, despite the anesthesia hangover plus the delaudid painkiller. i didn't want the nurses to judge me, too. they brought sc back in every couple hours to try to nurse and i did the panicked wake-up, again soaked in sweat, trying to be cheery and bright-eyed at 2am OH OF COURSE I FEEL LIKE NURSING RIGHT NOW and andrew would spring off the horrible seat-bed and try to find the nursing pillow in the dark so he could help. poor andrew having to sleep on that pathetic "bed." not only that, but because of those leg compression cuffs i was wearing, which just made me sweat even more, i kept asking andrew to make the air cooler in there. i didn't know till we left the hospital that our room temperature was around 55 degrees for most of the time, to make ME comfortable. andrew never ever complained even though he was freezing, on that plastic piece of crap fold-out chair-bed, with crap-ass hospital blankets. my sweet man.

at one point in the middle of the night, sc was with us and was just crying her little head off, maybe because she wasn't getting enough milk, which we didn't realize till a couple days later. but andrew took her out into the hall to walk her around and try to calm her, and probably also to let me try to sleep because he's just awesome like that. he TOTALLY got busted, however, because apparently parents aren't allowed to take the baby out of the room. um. okay, i understand that sc's little ankle monitor bracelet set off the alarm when andrew got too close to the elevator with her. but, for REAL? those rooms are closet-sized, and if the nurses insisted that we keep sc in there as long as they did even after nursing, then we were gonna need more room to try to calm the little muffin. some night nurse stopped andrew and was all "you're not supposed to be out here, for the baby's safety," and andrew's all, "well, there's nowhere she's going to be any safer than right here where i have her." and then he came back to the room and the nurseguard brought us a copy of the rules. they were apparently on a slip of paper included in the registration packet we were given WHILE I WAS IN LABOR. mofos.

anyway, around 4am the bloodseeking nurses came in and woke me up to draw blood. one was a teacher and one was a student. so, awesome, i was going to be a pincushion guinea pig. i said, okay, just please don't tell me what you're doing because i get sick and pass out sometimes when people take my blood. no f*cking kidding - EIGHT NEEDLE STICKS LATER, after listening to some barely-graduated-high-school chick say to the girl trainnig her, in backwoods southern "oh, nooooo, it keeps on rollin'. here, i'mo try to stick it again. <stab stab> DERN, i just cain't get it. <STAB STAB STAB> uh oh. i thank i just blew that vein. should i try the first hole i tried again?" finally i was like, "okay, really? you're really hurting me, i'm getting nauseated and i might throw up," and finally they quit. they seriously covered my arm then with 4 bandaids to try to hide the damage. when i removed them the next day, i had a blown vein, pain, swelling and bruises that lasted 8 weeks:


awesome.
also the next morning, when the head nurse, who we liked, brought the baby in, i remarked to andrew, "goodness, our baby sure is a squirmy mcsquirmerpants!" the nurse gave me a frown and said, "yeah. that's probably because of the effexor."
and THAT was the trigger of my post-partum depression. i had only DECREASED my anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication, Effexor; i hadn't stopped it, after my doctor and i determined that was best. but all i knew at that minute was that i was a horrible, selfish mother who wasn't even willing to give up my medication and now it had caused my baby to flail, and fling her arms out stiffly, almost like a seizure. if that sounds familiar to you mommies, it's because that's the freaking MORO REFLEX, which almost all babies demonstrate and is NOT caused by the mommy taking effexor. but i didn't know that then, again because i hadn't researched well enough what to expect from a newborn. now, i think i was GOING to have PPD at some point, since it runs in the family somewhat and i myself have suffered from clinical depression for years; the nurse's comment just happened to be the thing that triggered it. it was like my world became suddenly a little darker and skewed somehow, and i was flooded with guilt and fear. so.
that was the beginning of one of the hardest times in my life. which i will delve into into the next post. thanks for reading!! :)

Breastfeeding attempts and sailing into PPD!

our breastfeeding *disguise* cap, knitted by lisa hughes,
modeled by andrew!!
works like this:

 okey dokey!! it is thursday, august 2, and baby girl is tenuously asleep as long as she has access to my left hand, so again typing only with my right one. sara catherine turned 20 weeks yesterday, and i think i have been putting off writing about the worst parts of the post partum depression. maybe i'm afraid it will "get" me again if i raise the spectre of it by writing about it. but i think that it will ultimately have been a cathartic exercise for me, and if it resonates with even one other person (in a comforting way), then i will be glad i put it all down. i also want it recorded so that, in 30 years, when sc is allowed to leave the house, date and possibly get married and have a baby, it might be helpful to her. some of the physical after c-section descriptions are graphic, so this is your warning to stop reading!
last blog post, i got back from the recovery room and into our hospital room (which was TEENY), about an hour after the surgery, so around 9am on wednesday, 3/14. now, some of that time period is fuzzy, either from the anesthesia and painkillers in my system, or me blocking it out, or both. i know that i immediately started to bloat up, which i didn't expect. one mistake i had made was to not research what exactly happens to your body after a c-section. i thought, yay, i only gained 19 lb over the whole pregnancy, and then the surgery will take away 8 lb, so i'm on the way to losing the weight already! but, i had the compression cuffs on my lower legs, which i didn't realize would make me feel 10 degrees warmer (and i'm already hot-natured), and my body started to re-absorb the 10-month build-up of fluids the baby had needed.  as your body re-absorbs, it also starts to purge, which is necessary, or i guess you'd just explode like a HUGE salt water balloon. so: i puffed up and could barely bend my fingers; the leg cuffs compressed to prevent blood clots and heated me at the same time, and my body started purging the fluid by sweating. not some delicate process like *glistening* or *perspiring*. i was dripping and pouring sweat so that my pillows and gowns kept getting soaked and had to be switched out every couple hours. i got used to feeling the sweat drops roll down my temple and my neck, and i just learned to keep my head back flat so the salt wouldn't get in my eyes. i also, unbeknownst to me till later because i was still numb and had a catheter in, was a champ at filling bag after foley bag (tee-tee!). understandably, i was thirstier than at any other time in my LIFE, and wasn't allowed anything but freaking ice chips, which are USELESS. i hadnt had my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds, effexor, since the previous afternoon. if you remember, my ob/gyn and i had decided that i would stay on the meds while pregnant, but cut down my daily dosage by 1/3, especially since my twin sister had suffered debilitating ppd, which meant my chances were that much greater that i would, also. at this point, the post partum depression (ppd) hadn't kicked in yet.

i was hooked up to the dilaudid drip, which had a push-button i could control. i used it sparingly since we had decided that we would do our best to breastfeed because of the tons of health benefits.  i was horribly thirsty and STARVING, but wouldn't be allowed to eat for another 24 hours (or 36 hours total between meals since i hadn't eaten since the previous evening). anyway, some nurse came in and took all my vitals and then another took blood, in the first of a series of round the clock *visits* by the nurses to check me and take blood. the nurses then brought the little baby in, and she was such a strange little creature! she was already beautiful, to me (what do you mean, "bias"?!), but she still felt like a little teeny stranger. i had zero experience with newborns, and especially with any that i would be taking home FOREVERRR. i think the tension started then, but i was drugged up enough not to really notice it.

sweet teeny barnacle
monkeymuffin

it was time to attempt to nurse! i hadn't noticed any actual milk yet, so i had no idea if this was going to work. everyone and their brother (or sister) got to witness my  40-D rack, as there IS NO MODESTY WHEN YOU GIVE BIRTH, and the nurse saying, "you really just need to JAM...her on there," and JAMMING the baby onto my nipple. it worked sometimes, and it didn't work sometimes. there was some milk that sc was able to get, but it was very little - though, at that young, her baby tummy was so teeny it didn't need much to be full. i will tell you that when we (joint effort of andrew, the nurse, and me) got sc to successfully latch on, the physical sensation of her nursing was one of the most dear, tender and special connections i have ever felt, or ever will. there was a comforting pull that i didn't expect, and that was one of the first 'tangible" glimpses i had into the all-encompassing love and fierce protection a mommy feels for her wee baby.

so! little baby sara catherine is awake, and i will write more later on, hopefully today!
happy thursday, y'all!!

to be continued.....

what? i don't see the problem.

Okay, we FINALLY birthed the baby!

INTERJECT INTO STORY: RECENTLY-UNEARTHED 38-WEEK PREGNANCY UPDATE FROM 3/9/12, 7 DAYS BEFORE SCHEDULED C-SECTION AND 5 DAYS BEFORE ACTUAL
C-SECTION:
Fwd: 38 weeks today!‏

hot thang

 ---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Miranda Helterman <mhelterman@hotmail.com>

Date: Fri, Mar 9, 2012 at 9:55 AM

Subject: 38 weeks today!

hi, everyone!!! here is my next-to-last update, probably, on the pregnancy part of this journey! (hey! pipe down - i can hear y'all cheering. :)) anyway, it's probably overly-detailed, even moreso than usual, since i now wake up at 4am and obsess until andrew's alarm sounds.

the below is a copy and paste from my facebook status that i posted after my OB appt yesterday:

"okay, so they scheduled my pre-op a week early, but now everything's all set in case sara catherine decides she's ready for her close-up before 8am next friday, 3/16. ob appt was great - i'm still at 19 lb weight gain, but S.C. is right on track and should be 7-ish lbs at birth. and i hear that then my boobs will immediately gain 10 lb each of milk. SWEET. my blood pressure and heart rate are still high, but not near pre-eclampsia levels, so i spend lots of time these days lying on my side on the couch, with rubypants. andrew has built about 8 different "baby items" in the past week or so, like the changing table, nursery storage units, etc., whilst ALSO good-naturedly handling house chores, AND making sure i'm eating nutritiously. all on top of his day job AND his JAG duties. i SHO hit the jackpot. "

i'm still not dilated at all, yay, and still only about 30% effaced. so, we are still on for a c-section next friday morning, and we will probably be there at 6am, and since it's almost an hour away, we'll leave at 5am, and get up at 4am, which will feel like 3am due to this weekend's time change. i'm figuring that soon we won't even know what MONTH it is, so maybe it won't be so bad. :) anyway, surgery's typically at 8 and will likely take 30 minutes to no longer than an hour. i talked to an anesthesiologist yesterday about my tolerance of painkillers/numbing agents, and was assured that if i say i can feel something i'm not supposed to, that they WILL LISTEN TO ME. anyway, then sara catherine will be BORN, happy birthday, lil punkin! and i will go to recovery and SC will go to a bath and warmer, and i'll text andrew at the bar and let him know. sike. andrew will send out a big text, if you'd like to be included. and if everyone can please pray for a standard, run-of-the-mill, unexciting delivery, besides that our little monkeyblossom will be born, that would be awesome. then we stay in the hospital for two days.

and then we're allowed to come home on sunday. amie is coming into town sunday or monday and gets to stay until thursday, 3/22. my mom will arrive thursday and probably stay till sunday or monday, 3/25 or 3/26. the next set visit is betty coming on 4/13 or 4/14 until the 4/21 or 4/22, as andrew has JAG duties that entire week. NOW. anyone is invited, of course, to come and visit the baby without having to do a stint helping us! though i will prolly make you change a diaper and get me some lemonade. :) but i am expecting a 6-week recovery just from the surgery, and i haven't decided if i want to recover on the first floor or the second, with the baby in her bassinet. i don't want to miss her baths in the second floor tub (with her super duper baby tub, of course)! i will also be tenaciously attempting to breastfeed. all that said, visit at your own risk of a really messy house without basic essentials like toilet paper, probably. but i understand if you want to come and just meet Sara Catherine, and not be forced to hang out with me, when i may not be able to take a REAL shower for quite awhile. which is only slightly different from any other week. :)

 we've decided to board poor little rubypants at her vet's office, though she will hate it, from thursday to monday. her cough seems to be coming back and i want them to be able to keep an eye on her. the girl who took my place at the Temple very graciously offered to keep ruby, but i also don't want miss ruby to hack *stuff* onto her comforter. :/

okay! andrew has drill this weekend, so SC is again under strict orders to NOT arrive this weekend, please. :)

i have to add that i am SO THRILLED that my sister-in-law melanie's hubby is returning next week from a year in afghanistan - praying for safe travels home for a hero!

also, a prayer please for my brother-in-law nick who had a workplace injury to his hand that now has a staph infection - take ALL your antibiotics, nick, and swift healing!

and, as i type this, Sara Catherine is headbutting the back of my bellybutton, while sticking her toesies into my ribs. i think she's saying, "sup, hookers! see y'all in a week!"

*******************************************************************

OKAY, WE'RE BACK TO WEDNESDAY, JULY 25TH, 2012. the little baby has a low-grade fever and her poor lil legs are still very tender from her shots yesterday. there's something wrong with our a/c so it's hot as blue blazes in here, and i am in a FOUL. MOOD.
so. oh, and our little tabletop fan just broke. AWESOME.

anyway, so from the last post, the dr had decided to go ahead with an emergency c-section. and i had just been given something for my contractions which were incredibly painful. this is about 6:30 or 6:45am, and really, things are a little fuzzy for the next few hours. i'm pretty sure the dr came in and spoke to us and at some point i got up and was walked into the operating room, and andrew stayed behind, i think to gather our belongings to take to the teeny-tiny miniature hospital room where i was to recover. also, he had to put on what he called the Bunny Suit but it really looks like a hazmat suit. in the meantime, i had to sit on the operating table and get a spinal. it was UNPLEASANT. the nurses were all super-nice and the one who had to help me lean over and be still basically hugged me, told me to arch my back like a cat, and held me still. there was some anesthesia first and they had to give me 3x the normal amount because otherwise i still felt them poking around back there (that's what she said). they were all, REALLY, you can still FEEL that? and i was all, YES PLEASE GIVE ME MORE PLEASE. and they did the spinal and i was all numb & stuff. then they helped me lie back with my arms strapped straight out to the side, and set up the blue sheet in front of me. they asked if i wanted the sheet lowered so i could SEE WHAT WAS HAPPENING. i asked if it was possible to make the sheet HIGHER so there was absolutely no chance i would see ANYTHING. i still remember that i was very unemotional at that point - i felt very matter-of-fact about the whole process. at some point, andrew came in and sat next to my head. i couldn't tell you how long i was in the O.R. for prep before andrew came in, but he said it seemed like a really, really long time. i don't remember a whole bunch of these details. andrew said i had an aquarium thermometer stuck to my forehead - like a bandaid mood ring but for temperature! they wanted to know if andrew wanted to cut the umbilical cord. andrew figured that the dr could do it, since he was already there & all, and that's what he's gettin paid for. i concurred. i was still shivering and already nauseated. i had told the dr, nurses and the anesthesiologist that i have a tendency to throw up during surgery of any kind. this time was no exception. i really don't even know when the dr started slicin and dicin, but i know i thought he was operating from my right side, and andrew remembers him being on my left, almost knee to knee with andrew. either way, i was totally nauseated and andrew had to keep handing me the bedpan thingie just in case.  i didn't feel any pain, just some pressure and lots of tugging and pulling. i didn't realize the anesthesiologist, a great little teeny asian lady, was just behind my head maintaining my med levels, so i said to andrew, "oh, please tell the lady i need zofran (anti-nausea). like NOW, please, i need more zofran." and he said, "okay, honey, she's standing right behind you and she hears you--" and i interrupted with, "--so? i don't care where she is, i'll tell her to her FACE--". i had misunderstood his point. :) anyway, soon the dr announced that the baby was almost there, and then he said, "oh, YOU guys have a little leprechaun for st patrick's day!" i had no idea what that meant then, but apparently our little baby was covered head to toe in meconium, explaining one reason for the earlier labor. we heard our little teeny angel squeak and chirp and i said, "honey, we just gave birth to a MONKEY," as they whisked her away to clean her before we saw our baby covered in green poo. i said, "did you see her honey, what does she look like?!" and he said, "i only saw her feet!" then they brought out the baby all swaddled, and laid her just under my chin. since i was still all strapped down, with more surgery to go, i couldn't touch her or hold her. i looked at her darling little teeny face, and she looked so pretty! i was used to seeing newborn pictures where they all look like cartman when they first come out, even from a c-section, but she just looked like a pretty little baby. she also looked confused and a little pissed off. i was all, "andrew! andrew! grab her, she's going to roll off my chest!" apparently, both andrew and a nurse had their hands on her but i was sure that someone had just plopped her down on my chest and walked away and i was immediately going to drop my baby. so. i didn't have any real notion of what i thought sara catherine would look like, so maybe that's why she didn't look "familiar" to me when i first saw her. later i would realize how very much sc looked like her daddy (whoever THAT is. sike!), but honestly only after someone pointed it out to me. anyway, andrew knows more what happened after sc was born because they knocked me out. i woke up in recovery, where i RAMBLED on to the poor recovery room lady about how awesome my husband is, and made her listen to how we met on facebook, and BLAH BLAH BLAHHHH, before i even realized i was talking. i kept asking if i could straighten my legs because i was tired of them being bent, and THOSE dern things weren't bent. maybe an hour or so later, they wheeled me to our teeny little room and i honestly have no idea if andrew was there or the baby was there at first. they put these compression socks on me immediately. compression socks are connected to a hose and pump and constantly squeeze your legs to make sure a blood clot doesn't form while you're stuck in bed not moving. they also make you feel approximately 187 degrees warmer than you should feel. i began pouring sweat immediately, and the nurse said that was normal -- your body builds up so many extra fluids while you're pregnant and after you deliver, your body is going to PURGE it. the nurses kept having to switch out my pillows because i was soaking them with sweat. which meant i was also thirstier than i have ever been in my life, and i wasn't allowed to drink. i could only have stupid dumb ice chips. at some point, andrew and the baby were back in the room, i was hooked up to a dilaudid drip that i could control, and we decided to try nursing! and that is all for this post because i have to go eat ice cream. next time, adventures in nursing when no milk is coming in, wheeee!!



^^^^sara catherine's first picture EVER!!



                 

The Longest Birth Story in History...is still not over, lalala

mmmm. cake.

sooo, we were on our way to the hospital at 4am on wednesday march 14th, 2 days before our scheduled c-section. baby sc was apparently ready to come on out, and my contractions were just a few minutes apart. again, you can't really fathom the pain of labor until you've experienced it. so while andrew was focused on driving very carefully, i was in the passenger seat about to implode from the pain. this is the copy/paste of the facebook status i posted on the way to the hospital:

Mar 14, 2012

4:37am

Miranda Helterman Ritner

Don't want to text and wake the family, so posting here - I'm in some kinda labor, and we are heading to the hospital at 430 ish. No idea if we will deliver the babymuffin today, but I will ask for prayers, please. Ow!

Via Facebook for Android

i was so glad that i had already pre-registered over the phone months before so we could avoid that rigamarole once we arrived, and get straight to the labor/delivery unit, and most important, the DRUGS. also, i did my pre-op information the week before due to the scheduled c-section. so, we were double-registered, wheee! after we got a little lost on the way (there are SEVERAL backroads that make up the "town" of Loris), we finally got there at 4:45am, and andrew dropped me off at the emergency room and then went to park. i went in, and...ummm, hello? NO ONE. HELLOOO? andrew came in and was speaking pretty quickly, "okay, we ready? what? where is everybody? where is ANYbody? helloooo?" we finally saw someone through some glass doors and windows and they waved us in. it was the registration area. i told the lady my name and that i had pre-registered, and she said okay and then proceeded to RE-register me, with all of the same questions i had answered months before AND the week before. i told the lady, in-between contractions when i couldn't BREATHE, dammit, that nothing had changed from either of the PREVIOUS two registrations, BUT we had to continue with a full 20 minute inquisition. *sigh*

so, we got done with that, and a nurse chick came from the l/d floor with a wheelchair for me and took us up. they wheeled me into one of their seriously awesome l/d suites, which is all comfy and high-tech and huge. i changed into a hospital gown in the bathroom and asked andrew the first time, of what was apparently more than 100 times, HOW our dog ruby was going to get to the vet for boarding. i kept asking and he was trying really hard to be patient with me, but i wouldn't even let him finish texting people before i asked again. :) lalala. so our nurse came in, tara or tonya or tammy? i don't know, t-something, and she was really nice. i'm all, "hi. can i have an epidural? i'm miranda. can i have an epidural? this is my husband andrew. you guys got some drugs or what?" nurse t put the monitors on me and said that she would talk to the dr about medication. but FIRST...another registration!!! MOTHER. F$&K. are you *&^%@# kidding me?! i SERIOUSLY had to answer ALL the same questions from the first 3 registrations, all while contracting like a mofo. and because i kept having to stop and couldn't breathe during the pain, it took more than 45 minutes, plus all the vitals she had to take, AND she couldn't even ASK the dr about meds until we were done with all the questions. so, i'm basically dying from contractions, still bugging andrew every 3 seconds about ruby's vet transport, and still asking if i can go ahead and get them drugs.

she's CRAFTY. she gets AROUND...

the monitor that's charting my contractions was behind me and andrew was watching the line go up and down, and COMMENTING. yep: "ooooo, you just had a bad one. ... this next one wasn't as bad, though. ... oooo, THIS one looks ROUGH ... "  i had a REALLY bad one and i said, afterwards because i couldn't breathe during, "oh my GOSH, that was the worst one yet," and andrew. looking at the monitor, was all, "no. nope, that one wasn't really that bad, lookin at this monitor--" the nurse walked in and said, "the NEXT wave that shows is the contraction she just had - it's one contraction behind." so THEN he was all, "oh, WOW, honey, that was a REALLY bad one," i'm all, teeth gritted, "i knooooow."
SO.  we had gotten in the hospital at 4:45am, were done with first registration by 5:30am or so, and finally got the dr's okay to give me something for the pain at 6:30am -- apparently my ob was the dr on call, thank GOD, which meant that whatever happened, it wouldn't be that other dr in the practice. shoooooo!!! so the nurse gave me some medication with a name that was a mix between albuterol and tributary. albutary? tributol? i don't remember, either way, it really helped ease the pain, AND made me shake violently.

at some point, it was decided that i would have an emergency c-section at 7:00am. the baby was RETT TO GO, and still very much breech, and it would be safer to go in and get her. which was fine with me -- i had already mentally prepared for a c-section, and really wasn't disappointed ONE TEENY IOTA not to have a vaginal delivery. i know there are advantages and disadvantages to both kinds of deliveries, but having my hoo-ha potentially rip apart has never been part of my birthplan wish list. so the anesthesiologist came in and AGAIN, i answered a bunch of the same questions as during my 38 previous registrations, plus ALL the same questions i had answered during my pre-op visit with the main anesthesiologist. my main concern there was that both my twin sister and my mother had had their anesthesia stop working and had FELT their c-sections as they were happening. my poor sister even TOLD her anesthesiologist about my mom's trouble and when she told him she could still feel what was going on, THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE HER. oh my gosh, can you imagine the nightmare?? so, i explained my tolerance for numbing-type drugs, that it takes about 4x the novacaine for dental work, that i felt my LASIK surgery because the drops weren't strong enough, etc.
aaaaannndd ...

i have to stop because my poor little baby just had her 4-month shots today and she is MISERABLE. :( she is about to wake up, and i will finish the birth story later! thank you to anyone who is reading this. if you ever want to post something here, about your experiences or feelings or whatever, please just let me know - i don't have to use your name if you don't want me to.

shoot, me TOO.

Baby on the waaaayyyyyy

pregnancy update from march 1, 2012
From: Miranda Helterman <mhelterman@hotmail.com>
Date: Thu, Mar 1, 2012 at 4:05 PM
Subject: C-Section scheduled for Friday, 3/16!!!

hi, everyone! so, i just got back from this week's OB appointment, and since Butterbean is in the EXACT same place, we are scheduling a c-section for Friday, 3/16. i don't know what time yet, but will let you know, of course! Butterbean, whose name will be Sara Catherine, has been VERY active these past few weeks, doing some rib-climbing, some appendix tapping, some bladder stomping and, my personal favorite, some cervix line-dancing. accordingly, while i am not dilated whatsoever, i am about 30% effaced. so the most likely scenario is that a) we have the c-section birth on friday, 3/16 or, next most likely, b) we have an emergency c-section prior to that if sara catherine tries to bust out early.

i've not been feeling all that well for a few days - some pretty bad tummy distress in various forms, and as always, my darling andrew is SO patient with me, and doesn't roll his eyes (where i can see him) at my constant whining, and makes sure i am as comfy as possible, and eating enough for two, and that i always have my lemonade available. :) my blood sugar keeps plummeting even when i'm eating several small healthy meals a day, so i'm taking glucose tabs. the pinched nerve pain is down to about 30-40% of its prior strength, and is only really bad after several errands or lots of cleaning, or lots of stairs. so i'm trying to be prudent about it while also trying to get stuff done. and ruby having a dog walker has been a Godsend.

Sara Catherine's heart rate was good today - mine was a little high, but we're expecting it to go back to normal levels after the little muffin arrives. SC probably weighs just over 6 lb now and we'll do a better weight check next Thursday. i've now gained a total of 19 lb, which is lower than average, but would only be a problem if SC's measurements indicated a low birth weight, and they indicate she is right on track, which is AWESOME!! we tried to get more pictures of her today, but she was NOT having it, and kept both hands and feet in front of her face, the lil monkeypants.

as far as people coming to help! as this is our first baby, and a c-section, we must be in the hospital for 48 hours. not quite sure if that's a STRICT 48 hours, or if that means we'll be there friday and most of saturday, or what, but i will find out. one complication is that the hospital is 45 min - 1 hour away from home, so, coming to myrtle beach before we get to come home is not going to be convenient or fruitful for anyone, unless you just want to chill here, or CLEAN. WHICH WE WILL HAPPILY ALLOW. :) depending how i feel after the surgery, we THINK we'll be setting up the first floor for me to stay on the couch and have SC in a bassinet next to me, due to the stairs.

anyway, amie and i will discuss her visit separately, now that we have a delivery date, but if amie is able to come either late saturday or early sunday, and stay for a couple of days, that would be great. then, my mom will come from atlanta and plan to be here around the time amie is heading back to columbia, maybe mid-week. she'll be here a few days. betty will be here around 4/14 - 4/21 (or thereabouts) while andrew goes to a JAG conference in wisconsin. YES. wisconsin. once melanie's husband gets back from afghanistan (hallelujah!!!) in march, she'll look into maybe taking a long weekend between my mom's visit and her mom's visit in late march, early april. and since sara just started a brand new job, once she's accrued some PTO, she'll get her triflin' booty down here on a long weekend, hopefully not driving but with some awesome cheap plane ticket! :) maybe spirit air? and if jolyon wants to come down and help, he is welcome! and so is anyone and everyone else!

so, there we have it. once we're sure about Helper dates, i'll send out a little schedule to the awesome Helper-peeps. along with my ice cream preferences. :)

y'all are ALMOST done having to read these suckers, woooooo!! :)

love and smooches to all!

miranda :)

so, we got to 37.5 weeks and our little baby was still breech, with her head just under my left boob. she had been that way for months, with her little bottom near my cervix and her toes and hands up around her face. so we scheduled a c-section for fri, march 16, first thing in the morning - i'd be 39 weeks that day, which is the minimum, according to the ACOG, for scheduling a c-section. it's funny, but it's hard for me to really remember all of this now because you start to see things as BEFORE THE BABY ARRIVED &amp; AFTER THE BABY ARRIVED. and even though she's just 18.5 weeks old now, it seems like 18 MONTHS ago at this point. so, the nursery was a disaster - everything we'd ever gotten since we found out we were pregnant was in a huge pile in the nursery. it was an awesome pile, because we had so many wonderful friends and family bless us with so many gifts. but that day i kept looking towards in the future, the one where i got off my fat ass and organized everything, had never happened and we were having a baby in a few DAYS. and i had the pinched nerve and could barely walk, and andrew was having to do everything else in the house, plus work, so i took care of the problem by shutting the door and ignoring it. lalala. the monday of our last week, i still hadn't even packed the hospital bags. tuesday, march 13th, i finally felt like i needed to get some baby prep things done, so i packed a bag for me and one for the baby. my sister sara had gathered some necessities for me and they arrived that afternoon - i know it included a pack of portable enfamil newborn formula, and a bunch of other things i can't remember, but i also brought maxi-pads, big ole grannie panties, scrunchies galore, nursing bras, nipple cream, a little notebook to keep track of baby poops and diapers and nursing, etc, loose clothes for me, a couple onesies and a going-home outfit for the baby. and a bunch of other crap that made neither bag able to be zipped. i got some darling XXL jommies and tried them on for ensured comfort and took a picture:
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Tuesday, March 13th, 2012

so andrew and i just hung out that evening, i think watching the rest of the walking dead series we had DVRd. about 9:45pm i started feeling some pains in my lower abdomen. it felt like menstrual cramps but sharper and covering a wider area. i told andrew i was having pains and he stopped drinking his wine mid-sip and put his glass down. i called my sister sara and asked her if i could possibly be having contractions, and she said, "when you're having contractions, YOU'LL KNOW IT." so, i let my sister go back to sleep, and andrew decided not to have anymore wine that night, JUST IN CASE, since he was the driver and the hospital is 45 minutes away.


at about 2am, i KNEW i was having a contraction, which woke my ass up out the bed. i didn't wake up andrew yet, but kept an eye on the clock as the contractions came and went every 8 minutes or so. within a half hour, they were down to 5 minutes apart and i woke andrew and said, "hey, baby, i'm pretty sure i'm having contractions now." he jumped up and out of bed and THEN said "what?" and looked at his phone and said, "what?"
so i went down to the first floor, ruby ignored us and kept snoozing, probably thankful our triflin' asses finally got out of her way and she could stretch out, and i heard andrew pretty much running up and down the stairs (we have 3 floors) gathering things together. THANK GOD i had just packed the bags that afternoon, AND i was super ingenious because i had tried on the above pajamas AND NEVER TOOK THEM OFF. so i was already dressed for the hospital, wheeee! of course, before we decided to go to the hospital and then just get sent home, i had to internet research When to Go to the Hospital. the suggestions varied from when the contractions are 4 to 6 minutes apart. i kept the little scrap of paper that i kept the times on, so i could put it in sara catherine's baby book. it's in a special place called, "i hope i find wherever the f^&amp;% i put it for safekeeping." andrew and i just sort of sat and looked at each other, in between contractions, and we might as well have been doing our Where to Go Eat ritual: so, what do you think? i don't know, what do YOU think? i don't know." i called the labor/delivery unit at Loris Hospital and they said, "come on in," which causes me to take a deep breath even just typing this, because that meant even REAL PEOPLE thought i might be about to have a baby, aaaccckkkkk, which wasn't supposed to happen till FRIDAY-UH. SO. andrew had already put everything in the car, and we walked out into the cool air about 3:30am or so, and then the first HOLY SHIT contraction hit me as we were walking. i almost fell, it hurt so badly, and i grabbed andrew and had to stop and wait for it to subside. see, i wasn't SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING LABOR. i had a SCHEDULED C-SECTION because my baby was breech. so i never prepared myself for how to deal with contractions, not that you can actually fathom the pain unless you've experienced them. but i will try: the pain is similar to a menstrual cramp, obviously because it's your uterus contracting. during your period, your uterus just wants to get rid of its pesky little lining. during labor, your uterus wants to EJECT A BUTTERBALL TURKEY. it's like someone has injected a wine bottle opener into your nethers, because there's pain there, too, and then is twisting the handle thingies, so that there is a searing, shooting, ripping, squeezing horrendous pain, and somehow, even though it's worse where you'd expect it to be, the pain goes through your whole body, and you can't even take a breath until it starts to ease up some.


so we got in the car and andrew is super-focused. the car is on empty, because we weren't supposed to be birthing till friday! so we stop and get gas and andrew gets me water. i'm afraid to drink anything because, if in fact i'm in actual labor and have to have my c-section early (i can still feel the baby's little noggin right under my left boob, so i know she's still breeech), i'm not supposed to eat or drink anything. i also didn't take my effexor, my anti-anxiety/anti-depressant pill, because i was scared to drink too much water which i would then aspirate or vomit or something else horrible, in my imagination. bad idea. shoulda taken it, because i didn't get to take another one until more than 27 hours later, or more than 40 hours after taking my last one. anyway, so we were otw to the hospital at 4am, with contractions wracking my body, and my mind racing -- oh my gosh, was it REAL? no matter how much you try to wrap your mind around it, or at least for me, i couldn't fathom that this little munchkin inside me was going to transition to life OUTSIDE of me. everyone kept saying, throughout my pregnancy, "i know you can't wait to just HOLD her." but that's actually not EVER what i felt. because i couldn't, despite a very active imagination, ever envision this baby AS A BABY. mostly i was scared. andrew and i had almost zero combined experience with newborns -- mine was limited to one week of helping my twin sister with her 3-week-old baby ellie, who was colicky, and that was IT. so, even though we were heading towards the hospital to most likely deliver this baby, and i was suffering through some very real and very painful contractions, it was totally surreal to me. like my own personal twilight zone.

OKELY DOKELY, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO WRITE THIS POST FOR 2 DAYS, BUT THE LITTLE MUFFINPANTS WANTS TO PLAY AND SO DO I, SO WE WILL CONTINUE THE DELIVERY STORY (IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL) LATER. ANDREW IS CONSIDERING ADDING HIS MEMORIES OF THE DELIVERY AND HOSPITAL STAY TO THIS BLOG, WHICH I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE FOR SARA CATHERINE. WE'LL BE BACK SOON!! :)